For the first time in almost two years, I had time away from my children. My eldest son and I took a trip to Alberta as a reward for being one year meltdown free. My partner and I agreed that he would watch the toddler for the weekend. I thought taking a break from being a wife and mother would be pleasant. Here I am in day two and I would like to go home now.

Don’t get me wrong I loved yesterday having free time away from everyone. Not having to get up every two minutes to meet demands of my family was relaxing. I did enjoy not being an autism mom yesterday; no negotiating, just getting time to hear my thoughts. I found that with my time off I was not motivated to do anything, I had become a sloth. This morning I woke up made coffee and deleted yesterdays blog. I called my husband and talked to him. I felt refreshed enough to reflect on how far I have come and that I needed my family to keep myself put together.

I take my time with my family for granted. I get overwhelmed that I’m continually their rock. My families schedule gets so busy that finding free time for myself gets lost. I get burned out when I put their needs first without a second thought. Myself has an issue with feeling the constant pressure to stay busy because when I don’t I feel guilty that I’m not doing enough. Adding mom guilt with constant anxiety becomes so exhausting that I forget how my feelings and thoughts affect my children and partner.

I feel pressure from motherhood and I don’t like speaking on it. When I booked the tickets to come back to Alberta to reward my son, I didn’t realize this was time for me to reflect on forgotten thoughts of a mother. I had time to see the beautiful work on my sons autism therapy, time to see my toddler grow, and time to allow my partner to work on fatherhood. I am ready to come home now and wait for another passage of time and hopefully have better reflections on how far my family has come.

Written by Ali Johnson

7 thoughts on “Reflections

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