I need summer holidays to come to a halt. I have had it with my children and the summer. Between being a personal referee and a chef with little to no thanks, I am done. If I hear one more complaint I will personally buy the tiniest violin and play it at my tiny crotch goblins expense. I will make it my mission to act as immature as possible to show them the idiocracy that is our summer.
The beginning of summer I was prepared to be the best mom I can. I had plans to do something every day. Educational activities out the butt were planned. Healthy food for the whole summer was on the menu. We were going to do arts and crafts for god’s sake. I was going to laugh more and create the best memories for my children. Truly I had made a solid plan for this summer to go well. My children on the other hand decided we don’t do that here.
Plans to do something every day: well lets add whining and crying to almost every place we attend. I have never in my life seen two kids behave so barbaric publicly, I am embarrassed. They are not raised to be like this and I promise discipline was delivered. More challenging is why they were angels with the grandparents. I have no idea why the universe decided to bless my husband and me with feral boys. The angry mom you hear about shouting at her kids that was me. I’m pretty sure my downstairs neighbours think I’m nuts. I am the crazy white lady who yelled like I was in a metal concert with some sick throat signing. Mastering the art of using my Batman voice it scares little children. I put Kate Middleton mom face to shame. The face that says I mean business and I will not take any prisoners.
Educational activities: what are those? Non existent like dinosaurs. Despite the best efforts to match Pinterest mommies, I render my resignation. Cute little hand print paintings more like brown goo and a toddler eating paint. The blue crayons taste the best according to the coloured poo being produced. Arts and crafts have become impossible with the seven-year age difference. One wants to do crafts that require in depth instructions while the other needs arts and crafts to be uncontrollably messy. My eldest son who has autism needs crafts that require nothing sticky, smelly, or soapy. My toddler loves all three of those categories and is the king of messy. I give up it is not worth the battle ensuing in my home resulting in world war three. I tried my best, I think Pinterest moms are full of poo. They probably made the crafts while their crotch goblins slept.
I made a list about healthy food we would experiment with. Reading every article about autism friendly meals, toddler friendly meals, meals for carpenters was originally a great idea. Light bulbs going off in my mind I laid out plans to feed the boys of my home with great intention. We would become a healthy family. No junk food or sugars, and we would try more vegetarian friendly meals. I promised myself to cook wholesome meals no more going out to eat. My Amazon account became littered with bento boxes galore. Tupperware heaven and best laid plans aside all of it did not work out. It lasted two weeks at the beginning of the summer. After exhausting days with the boys I caved. We travelled on weekends to stay busy somehow we never packed enough to keep our children fed. My eldest son didn’t like how apples tasted, how bananas felt, and hummus looked like barf. The youngest is a phenomenal eater but his name should be Crumbs R Us. Our vehicle this summer became shameful. We caved for minutes of sanity, and we got junk food. My husband had no follow through with not getting food from the gas station because of forgotten lunch. My expectations of boys listening to be healthier has been lowered dramatically. Although we did not eat all junk all summer, for the most part we did eat home cooked meals. I tried new recipes and became aware of the contents in our food. The Guinea pigs that are my boys have claimed that I have seventy-eight percent accuracy in pleasing them. That states I did something right this summer.
I really did want to be that great mom everyone raves about in the PTA meetings. Missing the target greatly was a misfire this summer. I am envious of the perfect moms I see on social media. It’s not all bad though we did laugh, we walked everywhere, and we had daily dance parties. Even though screen time was “slightly” uncontrollable, we did read daily. I counted our reading logs we read eighty books this summer. Not quite one hundred like I planned but close. My eldest son obtained a library card and has steadily been reading novels. My toddler was outside and exploring the world at his pace enjoying the Earth as it should be. I’m exhausted from the summer and need school to start. Kudos to the teachers that make it from September to August with my tiny humans you are the MVP’s. I sit here wondering is this parenting in a nutshell? I am wondering is parenting jumping off a cliff with tiny humans and still making it to the bottom with no chute. Feeling eager to have the first day back to school and first day to daycare happen I am sad that I feel summer was a loss. My eldest son tonight told me that he had the best summer. I wonder what I’m missing from a parenting point of view to see it as a loss when he sees it as wonderful.
Written by Ali Johnson