Dear Dad (Thoughts on building a relationship with my dad in adulthood.)

Dear Dad,

I called you last week to vent about picking up my sons medication. You calmly talked me down from the cliff of despair. Being who you are I don’t know how you do it. Talk calmly to me when I feel like a mess of a human being. I’m not always a mess dad, but I feel like one sometimes because I’m learning to be a parent. Even though its water under the bridge I get sad sometimes because you are being more of a dad now than when I needed you the most.

I still get sad on Father’s Day when women share stories of times their fathers spent with them. Not that you didn’t spend the odd time with me. We had Taco Bell and the Monkey Forrest. We had the weird shop of your friends who sold interesting things like taro cards and a homey smell of sandalwood. There were times of listening to music which created my love for Rob Zombie and Smashing Pumpkins. The moments we had spent together were fine because it helped shape my interest. Some Fathers go fishing and camping trips but ours was outings. I think the main part of hearing stories of fathers who would do anything for their daughters is that it’s not our relationship. I don’t know if it ever will be. That’s ok though because in the last couple of years you have gained my respect.

Sometimes I struggle with your fear of my special needs child. You don’t say it out loud however some slight comments make me worried. Yes, your grandson has Autism and Juvenile Arthritis. Is it terrifying? Absolutely, I’m terrified of it too. My terrified is different because I feel like a failure when it comes to helping my child with disabilities. That’s why I try to call you because possibly, you would be able to treat me like a normal person. You see, when you’re a special needs parent your either treated like a superhero or your treated with apologies. What people forget to treat a special needs parent is with empathy and understanding that we love our kids but sometimes it’s a blurred line with doctors, medications, therapist, and school. I value you Dad, for putting words to my feelings, and I know I complain a fair bit when I get frustrated about the whole situation. Please don’t be scared of your grandson and please see the little boy that he is. He’s neurotypical and complex, but he is loving and intelligent. Creative and filled with brilliant ideas far beyond his time. You have only met him twice and you have not met your other grandson; but I think if you give them a chance to know them, you would see the parts of you in there too.

I know I was complicated much like my son, and that was terrifying for you. You were not ready for me when I was born. I get that because I had my oldest at nineteen and you were in your twenties. Here’s the thing even though I wasn’t ready I still try to be there for my kids. You did get better with my sisters and you learned to be a dad to them. I remember somebody once asked me how mad I felt that you learned to be a dad to someone else. Feeling mad is not how I would describe it. I do feel pride for you because you still grew as a person. You keep growing and I see the changes you have made in the last ten years. In ten years I have seen you as a lost person, and now I see you as a strong human being. Hearing you say that you found a new job or did something exciting makes me feel like you are finally where you need to be.

What I really want to say to you and I struggle to say it sometimes, I’m happier now knowing you than when I knew you as a kid. I’m not angry at you anymore because the dad I get now is a good dad who is trying. Giving a second chance wasn’t easy to do but I’m happy I didn’t walk away from you and we still found a way to communicate. Please don’t give up on me because I don’t want to give up on you.

I love you Dad,

Ali Johnson

There is no manual in abuse

my grandfather was sick I got the call last Monday. I thought things would be ok and hope for the best. The sinking feeling in my stomach was call him. The other side of me struggled to bring myself too it.

I called today: I rang the familiar number that never changes. The pit in my stomach grew larger and the wave of unrefined anger rushed out. I hate calling that number and I would hate it even more if she answered. Reminding myself it’s only for my grandfather and I did not have to speak with the demon. His voice answered, and then he didn’t understand whose voice it was. I felt the pang of guilt for walking away when I did. Not only did I leave her I left him behind too. I still feel it was the right thing to do.

We tried small chit-chat about his health. You could cut the tension with a knife it was awkward. I’m still angry as he is still angry. There’s no upside to this pent-up anger. There’s no manual to abusive childhoods and how you supposed to feel. He asked me about my kids and I tried to give small answers. I protect my children at all cost and I feel deep down the devil should never know them. She had us as kids and what she did was unforgivable. I vowed to never let them go through that. I wish I could share the love of my kids with him but there’s one person who stops that.

The line came up asking why I never call. I said I wish to not speak to Laurie. Sickening to even give her name. In the cliché of flying monkey conversation he said if you are mad at her then you might as well be mad at me too.” In the manual of abuse this means I will stand blind to your abuser and not acknowledge what she did. How can someone stand behind what she did? She drugged, lied, hurt, and destroyed the minds of innocent children. She created monsters in their heads. The manual doesn’t cover that abuse wounds never heal properly. They only grow larger and deeper.

He then asked about my dad and my other grandparents with spite. I was so internally angry because my other family are trying. This long battle between them should be put to rest. My grandfather stated he leaves him alone, and they leave him alone and that’s the way he likes it. There is an unspoken dialogue hanging in the air about a battle no one won. The devil tried so hard to destroy their spirit and lie about the truth. She tried to brainwash a child into hating people. It didn’t work and the dirt on everyone’s knees never came clean.

There is no manual to how I feel right now. There’s no book that can teach me the zen of blocking it out. I walked away long ago and I never looked back. Calling in today was not an olive branch. I froze when I really wanted to say my peace. The anger I feel is fire and I really want to douse it with water. There’s no manual, no rules, no truth to it all. I cannot understand how one path in life could be damming when everything else falls in place.

Written by Ali Johnson

Statement for Justice (Patrica Moore, Albertan Animal Abuser)

My mothers charges are coming to trial on July 29th,2020. I was once asked to write a victim impact statement for her character reference. At the time I did want to write one because I wanted to disengage from her. If I had written on it would be what I am writing here on my blog, a very emotional and personal letter. I ask this those who read this to be compassionate and understanding on how this letter will sound.

To whom it may concern,

I am not a victim to my mother Trish Moore. My statement does not make me a victim to her: nor will I allow myself the mentality to be her victim. Circumstance and universes decided my mother would be a birth giver. What I want to say here is who her true victims are and why we should care more. I will tell you why the system has failed each one of them, and I will suggest a change.

My mother has always been keen to finding animals to possess. The common dogs and horses but unlike normal pet owners or ethical breeders she continually abuses them. An ethical breeder knows the care and considers the well-being. Unethical “breeders” much like Patricia Moore cross the grey line of her animals. I have personally witnessed her caging several dogs together and force breeding them without care to make money. An ethical dog breeder will have enough profit money to vet check and uphold health standards. Patricia, the unethical breeder profits on AISH and cannot provide the right funds to the veterinarians to carry out the care. Her animals often go without proper nutrition, this has lead animals in her care to die from neglect and starvation. Even one animal dying from starvation shows a lack empathy and proper decision-making. To conclude that in one case it was thirty-seven horses and sixty-seven dogs and in another forty-three horses and three dead left near a property shows a pattern of continual neglect. Those animals were victims of a malicious human being. Was she incapable of doing the right thing? I don’t believe so.

Horses seized from the Moore property 2019

She could have given up her animals when she realized she did not have adequate means of care. She could have asked for communal help in the which the Albertan Farmer Community gracefully offers. Patricia had open means to the SPCA to find care and support. Due to her 2010 charges she was only supposed to have two horses in her care. I honestly believe if she had kept to two horses this may have manageable. Reflecting back she had no intention of following conditions placed on her. Patricia Moore believes she is above the law. This is not speculation she has shown it with every court case and inspection and conditions she routinely disregards. This wasn’t entirely her fault the SPCA, whom her victims were failed by not investigating after several calls of concern. It took pictures of three dead horses for the SPCA to act accordingly. The horses’ death could have been prevented sooner if Patricia acted in her means of care and the SPCA held up the conditions of law.

Pearl was a horse removed from Patrica Moore. She had to have surgery to fix the hole.

http://www.edmontonjournal.com/sports/Gallery+Horse+mend/3353456/story.html

A horrifying image of Patrica Moors horse lying dead

These animals that died deserve more than thoughts and prayers. They deserve proper justice. Patrica Moore killed these animals, more likely murdered them. She could have done the right thing, she knowingly let the animals suffer. It’s not the first time and if our justice system does not do something to hold her accountable other than a fine: She will go buy more victims to selfishly murder. The people she victimized is one thing but I’m more focused on her silent victims. The ones who get to live in horror and have a long road to recovery. I’m talking about the animals forced to breed when they were close friends to deaths door. Malnourished and unable to feed their young. The animals who lived in filth and unhygienic conditions because she could not be bothered to provide adequate care. Setting the animals up for life ending infections and parasites. Knowingly breeding horses with a gene called lethal white and posting it on her personal Facebook. She bred mares without proper genetic testing to achieve a gene that will kill the foal in instantly and painfully. All of her animals lived at the mercy of death. If that doesn’t hit home to provide a clear message of the horrors Patricia Moore inflicted on these animals: enough to bring justice to the silent victims, then I don’t know how anyone can say they truly care. This is a full statement to the violent, sadistic, human being she is.

Patrica Moore yelling at her protesters outside of court July 2020

I plead to whomever read or hears this please don’t fail her victims another time. I lived with her abuse all my life and I chose to walk away. I’m not a victim because I have a voice and I can walk away. The animals who are dying at her hands cannot speak of the hell they lived through. They are the strongest creatures because they survived because they had no choice to. Justice needs to be made to end the cycle of abuse and send a clear message to other abusers Canadians have had enough. Animal Abuse will no longer be tolerated.

I leave this in the hands of the Canadian Justice System. Will you the Canadian Justice actually take new laws into your hands and hold the felon accountable? Animal blood is on her hands and if you do not act with fruition the blood is now on your hands.

Written by Aleszandria Barg

The Spirited Child and Her Chrysalis

I was a spirited child when I was younger and it was slowly taken away by somebody who wanted control. My childhood was stolen same as my mind and my body. Looking back I think little pieces were broken off until I was small inside. I will never understand how so many people could do what they did and still sleep at night feeling no pain. Laying restless often I don’t wish pain on them, but sometimes I wish they felt the way I feel in the darkness and the fuzz of the past.

I loved colours, I loved stories, I absolutely loved animals, and I loved smells. My favourite smell was electricity in the air right before a storm. Feeling the small buzz on the skin I could always tell when it would rain down and the calmness it left in the soul. I loved the lady bugs and their bright red shell on their tiny immaculate bodies. My mind was great but it was also drugged into mindlessness. You couldn’t tell on the surface but I felt it. I felt everything and I felt small much like the lady bug.

Photo by Egor Kamelev on Pexels.com

A bee is a small insect with fuzzy bodies. They are busy but effective little creatures. The sound they make is exquisite. I was six years old when I imagined being a tiny honey bee flying away to a hive to produce something new. Watching the bees collect pollen from flower to flower care free but with so much to do. I was six years old when my mom came back and got in a fight for a reason I don’t remember. Six year old me was being watched by a man named Derrick we called him uncle. Tiny honey bee is what I wanted to be in the basement being watched by a monster named Derrick. I left in my mind to smell the dandelions the honey bee and I loved so much. Six year old me would soon be put on several drugs from Derricks mother, my foster grandmother.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

The cricket is a musical instrument. It rubs its legs together to make a chirping sound. If you sit still in a field, you can hear the cricket orchestra sing loudly with pride. For a tiny bug it has a mighty strong song. I would think of crickets while my grandmother would lie about my intelligence to the doctor that never asked if it was true. Fielding the cricket song as she claimed I was angry and out of control. I danced to crickets in my head as children called my Ritalin; I was but the blue pill being put into my body, my mind was not mine to have. Three pills each for ADHD, FASD, and psychosis. I heard crickets when the test proved that only one of these were accurate. I have ADHD but the lied continued to be carried out by a mentally sick woman. There’s a tinge of sadness to the cricket’s song: partly due to it being so quiet on its own. It’s a lonely song to play when people don’t listen fully to the orchestra of the cricket.

Photo by Johnny Mckane on Pexels.com

Most people are afraid of spiders when really they are surprising creatures. Some are harmless while others carry a deadly poison. No spider web has the same web, however like humans the spider comes in all forms, and designs their creations. I admire the spider because the black widow represents the deadly creature of abusive parents like my mother and grandmother. One bite and it’s fatal for the prey. If you get a daddy long legs, you will have an innocent spider who only eats mosquitoes. They look scary, but they have a romantic notion to protect the home they inhabit. When my grandmother chose to take my siblings and me away for a while, I would find daddy long legs and watch it climb high on the walls. She hid us from our grandfather and any one looking for us kids. The black widow didn’t care how much poison she spread, only if she could spread it on her terms. The dadddy long legs undaunted by the black widow climbed high to live another day.

photo by Robsatski

Bugs are amazing creatures. They hold incredible senses beyond what someone sees and hears. I wished as a child to be a bug and be able to live life with purpose. Much like a bug somebody bigger could come around and squish you like it didn’t matter. I felt squished and the people who did it just kept going. How can a tiny creature with offerings of greatness and intrigue be killed by a thoughtless act and have it continue with no consequence? If I had a time machine I would watch the bugs with tiny me and show her she was just as strong as the bugs she seen in her mind. I would lead her to the chrysalis and tell her butterflies are the change of spirit she should love one day.

Photo by Alina Vilchenko on Pexels.com

Written by Ali Johnson