The Real Tea (Narcissistic Mothers)

Confession time I do judge other parents. Yes I am aware of mommy shaming is not the right thing to do. I don’t judge moms on what they feed their kids or what their children wear or how their children act. What I do judge is when moms who treat their children like property instead of treating them like human beings. These are the moms that I see mirroring what my mother acted like and seeing the child beside her trying hard to please mommy dearest. Those children were me at one point.

On the outside people seen my mom as charismatic. That is how she hooks her victims and keeps her narcissistic facade alive. To the outside my mother looks like she cares about her children, and she has won mom of the year award. I know the real her and when I stopped being beneficial to her every want and need I was a disposable child. I once thought that she was something to be admired and just misunderstood in the world. Waking up to her lies after seeing through some of them brought out the worst person imaginable.

I didn’t grow up with my mother directly and that suits me just fine. Remembering when I was a little girl I thought I missed my mom and that one day she would come get us kids and everything would be alright. As a grown woman who survived her abuse: later in life I see that I was incredibly lucky to not have lived with her. Although I still lived with abusive caregivers; I still could not imagine being alive today, if I was under her care.

She had reached out to me when I was fifteen and beginning to emancipate myself legally. I remember her messages she sent to me. The mom I know she really is, was not the person sending the messages of care and commitment to do right by her daughter. She found my weak spot of feeling alone. She latched tightly and wound her web to hold me. I was naive hearing her stories everything she said she had answers to. The lowest point of my life was her thriving point to carry out her abuse. What she said at the time made sense: looking back I was blind to how much she could create on a whim.

It took one year and several months to start seeing through the woman under the veil. What she said and what actually happened are two different things. People started talking about my mother and what they said sounded more rational than what she said. I had one act of disobedience telling her no. I said no to something that went against my beliefs that one little no lead to my mother hating my very existence. Not only would she tell people I was a whore she would tell people I was abusing her. Anything she was doing to me at that moment created into her statements about me.

One thing I learned about surviving my mother is that it’s not completely over until one of us has died. No matter how much I have tried to escape her she still finds ways to interject into my life. I finally realized after one of my suicide attempts, she said to me ” what a shame I would have been free of you” the woman that was my mother only cared about herself and nothing would make it right. The moment was horrific the life lesson gained from it is unforgettable. I too needed freedom from the woman in the beautiful mask. The face hidden underneath it is deathly and hollow.

I wish I could say there is a happy ending or a feel good moment in reconciliation. Reality is the opposite. The only way to escape her abuse and be truly fee is to disengage. I still have not fully disengaged myself and I can’t until there is closer that justice will do her in to stop her abuse of others. I know the time is coming up in her trials of animal abuse. Promising to keep fighting for her victims because I never want her to steal another persons flame because that is what she does best.

I do judge mothers like her because when people don’t see them they are so dangerous to the child by their side. The little girls and boys who had mothers like mine don’t survive traditional methods. Some of them don’t make it out alive. The pain caused by these narcissistic mothers is explainable. It’s not the child who needs to fight for love but for the mother to fight for her child.

I believe there are monsters born in the world to human parents. … The face and body may be perfect, but if a twisted gene or a malformed egg can produce physicalmonsters, may not the same process produce a malformed soul?

J. J Steinbeck, East of Eden

Written by Ali Johnson

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Promise, They Will Be Enough

[Will’s father came back into town, and then lied to Will about being around more and left. Phillip is trying to comfort him]

Will: Hey, you no what, you ain’t got to do nothing, Uncle Phil. You know, ain’t like I’m still five years old, you know? Ain’t like I’m gonna be sitting every night asking my mom ‘when’s daddy coming home?’ You know? Who needs him? Hey, he wasn’t there to teach me how to shoot my first basket, but I learned it, didn’t I? And I got pretty damn good at it too, didn’t I, Uncle Phil?

Phillip Banks: Yeah, you did.

Will: Got to do my first date without him, right? I learned how to ride, I learned how to shave, I learned how to fight without him. I had *fourteen* great birthdays without him; he never even sent me a damn card. The hell with him!

[pause]

Will: I didn’t need him then, I won’t need him now.

Phillip Banks: Will…

Will: No, you know what, Uncle Phil? I’m gonna get through college without him, I’m gonna get a great job without him, I’m gonna marry me a beautiful honey and I’m having a whole bunch of kids. I’m gonna be a better father than he ever was. And I sure as hell don’t need him for that, ’cause there ain’t a damn thing he can teach me about how to love my kids!

[long pause; he’s crying]

Will: How come he don’t want me, man?

Scene from Fresh Prince of Belair.

I remember watching the scene from Fresh Prince of Belair for the first time and felt so connected to what he was saying. I too had absent parents who treated me out of convenience instead of want. Lonely is the best way I can describe my feelings towards the missing people that were supposed to step up and do the right thing. Some people say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but when your parent is negligent it causes a certain degree of pain.

Every time my parents would choose to jump in and out of my life a rift grew. I questioned why they chose that time to step up when they wanted no part in anything else going on. One of my battles as a child was dealing with questions of why I was not good enough for them. I was smart, imaginative, and loved to learn. The older I got I started to feel guilty for being a burden to them. I always felt that I was the reason my mom was slightly crazy and my dad didn’t want me because I made my mother nuts. It didn’t matter how much I achieved I was never good enough for them.

Overtime as their absent parenting grew I felt raw anger towards them. Other children would state how great their parents were. How they loved them unconditionally. The one time that I rejected seeing my father I was guilt tripped by family members. They stated that if I didn’t love my dad I should say it directly. I was torn into pieces that day instead of being told my emotions are validated. Thirteen year old me made a promise that day that if I ever have children; I would love them until the day I take my last breath, and be better than what they were one hundred percent.

Two boys later I have kept my promise. I, no longer keep contact with my mother by ensuring she has no access to abuse my children. My promise is simple yet it allows my children to be loved. Unlike my mother I will allow my children to make mistakes and not treat them as a disappointment. I will make sure they have food in their bellies before myself. They will always have a safe space to live in and someone to care about their needs. My last promise is to tell them I love them with each passing day. To hold them when they are scared and cheer them on when they do great things.

I am not a perfect parent by any means. My parents made a choice to walk away from me, what I learned is that I will be better. I did learn something from them and that is my children are first before me. My love for them shows them they are enough. They will not go through life wondering how they failed me. Love and trust does not come easy for me, but my children will never have to struggle with feeling alone and unheard. I may have been unwanted but I will always want my boys.

Written by: Ali Johnson

30 weeks with my son Maximus.

myself, Travis, and Max

Advice To Me

I recently bought a journal called 300 writing prompts. When I purchased it I thought it would be a good way to ask hard questions I’ve avoided, each question in this self writing journal brings me closer in my journey of self healing. I want to heal drug and alcohol free. One way to do this is by writing and telling my story for others to hear. I put this journal away for half a year when I started to feel emotional answering questions regarding advice to myself. A few days ago my partner found the journal in the deep depths of our disorganized garage. I pondered the idea if I should start writing in it again.

I opened this tiny blue journal I felt a wave of relief to see it blank in spots that asked hard hitting questions. I have decided to write here on the Garden of Love questions that are asked. The question I landed on today was ” If you go back in time exactly 10 years and give yourself some advice, what would you tell yourself?”

Ten years ago I was an emancipated minor dealing with my abusive mother trying to figure out my life. I was drinking to deal with my pain and forget that I existed. Without a care in the world I was on self-destruct mode. Ten years ago I was an awful human being who fell for victimization of myself. I was a user. Anger does wild things to a person, it makes them toxic and highly volatile.

The person I was ten years ago probably would have said I don’t need your advice. She was stubborn and felt that she could figure out the world on her own. Looking back at the person I was, I feel that the only advice she would receive is keep going. Everything she would do in the next three years of her life would give her a purpose. I know she will have to fight hard and feel like a failure but if she keeps going her life gets better.

Ten years ago I was at my all time low. Looking back at who I was and who I would become is endearing. I have come really far in life and just now hitting a point of knowing what my purpose is. I have three amazing boys and have moments of pure happiness. Ten years ago I thought this is the end of things. I truly believed that if I would not live for another ten years. My feelings and emotions got the best of me on all accounts. I’m glad ten years ago I made it through the darkest time period.

I hope through in the next ten years from now I can give this sound advice; keep living truthfully, live like tomorrow is your last day. I also hope to see future me love herself even when she cannot find the reason to. Lastly I hope ten years from now I can look back and see the good I have done and know that I lived with purpose and good intentions. I owe it to the ones I love and myself to grow up learning and becoming the person I set out to be.

Written by Ali Johnson

2009
2018

The Art Of Apologizing

In life, we have to offer apologizes to those that we hurt.

I dislike having to apologize for when I’m wrong. It takes swallowing my pride and seeing my flaws to even utter the smallest I’m sorry. I used to say it because it was ingrained into me as a way to not get beat down. So now when I say sorry It needs to hold true value. Recently I noticed there are tons of people I need to apologize to and make better relationships. When I said sorry the first time I wasn’t properly using the word, I only said it to get out of trouble much like children do.

Apologizing is tough because it can go two ways; it can get accepted and your life together moves on, or it gets rejected and everything crashes and burns. There is an art to saying I’m sorry to make it critical in acceptance. The art form has to come from the heart and mind working together. If either one of them doesn’t mean the apology the canvas of that apology is wiped clean, but there is a second part to the apology form. The second part is stand behind every single word of the apology given. You cannot back pedal once you stated why you are sorry.

The best way to apologize is have a reason to utter the words I’m sorry. The beginning of the statement follows “I’m sorry for” enter the reasons here. If you say I’m sorry ensure your body language follows up with your reasons and words. This leads back to merit of apology. If your body does not sync with the rest of the thought and emotion it will become lost. Full honesty must be given forward to the other person wronged. As humans, we deserve respect and honesty with great patience to see human error.

Given the apology is out in the open for interpretation following through is key. In the words of my eight year old no take backs (seat belt, buckle clause). Disadvantaging the person who received the apology creates a destructive pattern of false honesty. In other words mean it, seal it, move on with it. Be a better person and do better for the person that was hurt.

Given that as humans we are flawed in nature we have a chance to correct or mistakes. Some of those mistakes can be corrected by saying I’m sorry for my actions. Ownership of fragility is not showing weakness but the giving the ability to move forward for a better future. It is well-known that humans are prideful, but we can also put our personal issues aside and work together. To ensure this notion we as humans have to receive the ability to accept flaws of others and ourselves.

Written by Ali Johnson

One bad day away

It takes one bad day to make a normal person to lose control of their life. One bad decision can bring on the domino effect of bad circumstances. I know this from first hand to never take granted what and who I have in my life. I was that person who had one bad day that lead to many more bad choices. Homeless at sixteen, emancipated at seventeen my life direction was complicated.

If someone had asked me in 2009 if I was going to live much longer my response would’ve been no. I was going in such a direction I thought I would lose my life. If it wasn’t to drinking it was being with the wrong person, so many choices I made was the wrong one. I used sex and drugs as a way to numb the pain I was in. I gave up on myself and lost faith in the goodwill of others. Anytime someone offered a glimpse of true help I would treat them as criminal.

Someone once asked me if I regret my actions to survive, my response to this is no. Living with regrets for things I did would not change my future. I see my past choices whether right or wrong shaped who I am today. I used to blame the actions of others on my misfortune it took well into my adult years to see that my choices based on bad days was defining my pathway. What I do now with past choices is to educate others on surviving with trauma and to teach people to have compassion towards others.

I talk to people who were like me I hear the same thought process leading to their choices it was one bad day. That bad day led to one bad choice. Those bad choices led to several others. In between the lines of the bad day and poor choices there is a thin line that shows a person in pain trying to survive. It shows me to not judge anyone because they too can be one bad day away from losing everything.

I don’t know what anyone is going through to lead them on their life path, what I can do is understand survival tactics and give an ear of compassion. I can be that person that allows my mind to remain open to others pain and accept that they to had one moment of weakness. It takes a few seconds to be a good person to understand all walks of life. This is the same give one part of goodness to ease one bad day. I believe that in those moments of living with our choices one small act of kindness can walk someone off the ledge and lead that person to staying alive for longer.

Written by: Ali Johnson

Dear mother

Dear mother,

Right now there is a darkness in your heart. I don’t understand if your grieving or you’re in pain. I hope one day that you will make friends with your grief and let it go. Right now I see a shell of a woman that is empty and needs love fill to create a new body of light.

 

Everyone thinks that I’m angry with you but that’s far from the truth. I’m not angry but I will be honest here I’m very disappointed. Instead of being a good person you chose to allow hate and vindictiveness to corrupt your soul. You lack the ability to see the good in humanity and you thrive on others pain. Your line of victims grows and you steal everything good from them. I am so disappointed that you cannot live without being an emotional vampire.

 

I don’t want to be like you opposite in fact. I cannot fathom the contempt you feel for your children. I look at my sons and I could never do what you did to me. Children are innocent and pure and need guidance to grow. Your soul garden is filled with weeds that drain the life out of everything you touch. I want you to know I’m not saying this to hurt you but I need you to hear my words and hopefully grow your heart to love again.

 

I have a question to ask it’s ok I know you will never truthfully answer me so here it is what is hurting you so much that you must hurt others? What can others do to help you? I don’t mean the help that your taking by hurting others to feel good. I want to know for the help you need to find your way back to your humanity. I get it right now you will say your help means nothing I am power. I really don’t believe that you mean it, surely you must see that others want you to heal and become good again.

 

I don’t know your story I have tried to find answers. A small part of me wants to find a way to help you. I know that I told you that I never wanted you in my life. In a bigger picture, you gave me life I’m forever grateful you did. If your suffering from trauma or mental illness getting you the help will make your life better. I am going to say this if you get help your life will turn around positively. To get the help you must first want to help yourself I and others cannot change that. You need to hit rock bottom in order to see the way to set yourself free.

 

”There is no love without your truth.”

 

Your reality and versions of the truth are twisted to fit your victim mentality. This is a shocking statement but one I need to make to you for my own honesty. I see what you do to people and animals they are possessions until no longer needed. It bears the burden to the heart that you cannot see beyond the abuse you are causing. If you could see with new eyes the pain and destruction you have caused by living in a false reality I believe it would bring you down like the Berlin Wall.

 

I don’t want to be thought of gaslighting you. I think you see me trying to speak to you as a threat. This is not my intention, I merely wish that you will see my words and connect long forgotten thoughts of your own. When I began writing this I had more words to say. I want to leave this here just like this. I think of you and yes a small hidden part of my heart will always love you. Until you see love for what it is and not what you can use it for, your truth will not set you free.

 

With love,

 

Your youngest daughter

oleander

I won’t accept your apology.

For the love of god do not say sorry.

I have lived through the story.

You let me beg for a chance to live,

I tried over and over to give and give.

You took a piece of my lively soul.

You old actor, your stage is awful.

You made me look sick, it’s unlawful

You drugged me since I was three.

You did this with sickly glee

Then your son took my innocence at four

Until eight when I was old enough to know more

Easy target I was to him, no one would know his sin

That is what happens when you’re merely a foster kid

Then he moved, someplace far away from there

It doesn’t matter though the mental scare fared

In my mind to start the rest of mental duress

You’re a liar, nothing but full of stories

Don’t worry lady I can hold on to everyone’s worries

Let’s talk about the drinking you let him do

In front of us? Don’t you know kids are like glue?

He was trying to forget erase this and that

Like tit-for-tat but you don’t get the last laugh

It’s enough for us kids to see you fight with him

your sense of power whoever you could dim

I hold no memories of the smell of clean

You hoarded and loved the power of mean

Filthy is what our life was from a young start

But lady bloody hell do you ever play the part.

You had everyone fooled to think I was dumb

Retarded before I could even suck my thumb.

You swore up and down that something was off

You made parents hate me laugh and scoff

Call it what you can you the one that was sick

But we kids were your target you must be some kind of thick

To think that someone wouldn’t’ notice three underfed kids

Who were angry and sad but actually we were scared out of our lids

Then the bladder control thank you for taking another part of me

You liked that it became infected, you waited no I can no longer pee

Right as a grown up I am safe from you, false doctor

You had the medications, the story, and the means, how you never falter.

Let’s talk about the kidnapping I remember it well, do you after all?

Insanely legal as you were guardian another way of control, no way to fall

You took us out of anger played the abused card, you and your farce

You cut contact and hid us well, you lied again pulled stories out of your arse

But you liked it right? That scent of fear and control, you regained your reign, way to care

But no more I am free now and you hate it, let’s not kid can you face it

You tried to kill me but I stood up, I am strong filled with life and grit

So don’t say you sorry because the one thing that happened is you failed

And from that I don’t wish you a dear farewell, because lady our ship has sailed.

Written by Ali Johnson